How I need to take my own advice that I often give to those who say, “I don’t have the time...” How many times I have shot back with, “You will never have the time. You need to take the time.” I do believe this with all my heart, if something is important enough then the time for it must be taken...taken from screen time, taken from gossip time, taken from time wasted in not being Christ-like. Yet here I am, no kind of example to anyone.
Now that I am done browbeating myself I go back to the contemplation of this time in my life and exactly what my place and purpose are. Yes I am still wife and mother, I now have the titles mother-in-law and grandmother but I continue to struggle with what all that means. I often get caught up in being Martha, because that’s what I am good at, that I fail at being Mary. There has to be a middle ground that I am not finding.
God calls me to this or that trial or sacrifice and I revert to cleaning the house and cooking. Fear of failure, lack of self-confidence, and the age old voices in my head telling me of all my inadequacies drown out the voice I should be listening too. I rally for a day, a week, maybe a month then the fear and trembling set in and I back off in retreat. Lately there have been not so gentle hints that my dislike of being with people and the resultant urge to retreat and hide are not what is right and what God expects of me. It is so easy in this world today to be just what my not so noble self wants me to be...a recluse. I can have conversations with total strangers via FB. I can avoid shopping by using Instacart. I excell at buying and selling online and yet I know that that kind of life is not right nor is it what God wants. We have been clearly exhorted to interact with others and become both better for the interaction and to somehow make them better as well. And now we come to the crux of the matter, who is going to become better by knowing me? There is where the voice of the evil one comes in, and he is so very convincing. I agree there is nothing within me that is good.
The struggle is real and the pain and frustration are burdensome. But somehow I will continue and though overcoming may not be end result I know that it is in the effort that I will find the reward.
